The Story of How I Loathed Myself
As I looked outside the window, I told myself,
"You are so lucky to be able to enjoy such blue sky today. You do not deserve it."
I sipped my tea, immersed in my thoughts.
Who am I to experience the beauty of life through its ups and downs? What have I ever done in the past to get me to this position, while other souls rot in an everlasting frame? I felt guilty. Guilty to be happy, guilty to laugh, guilty to say that 'life is beautiful'.
Self - Loathe: a condition where someone strongly detests him/herself. I didn't know about this till I realized this never lasting hatred towards myself and started to look for more information about it.
Late night, as I lied on my bed, ready to rest, I imagine things. It is a habit for me to imagine the lives of my loved ones without me. It's beautiful. Their lives would be so much better without me.
Dad. If I weren't here, after mom passed away, he would look for a new companion instead of raising me all by himself. He would have a new family and lived happily ever after.
Little sister. She wouldn't feel so pressured if I weren't here. She would have all the love and attention. I am sorry, lil sis. Sorry for showing no feelings to you. Sorry for saying bad things about you behind your back. Sorry for stealing your parent's attention. Sorry for not telling you that I love you and you are perfect the way you are.
Lizzy. Worst case scenario, you would move out of this town. You will live together with your brother and be happy there.
If their lives would be so much better without me? What am I doing down here in the world? My presence felt like a sin.
I can not remember since when I have detested myself, loathed myself for living. Is it something that runs in the blood? Maybe. I felt guilty easily since I was a little kid, yet I hated that feeling. Whenever I felt guilty, I will punish myself in a way - physically or mentally.
Why do I keep on hating myself? Because it is so much easier to put the blame on me rather than others. I was always taught not to expect anything from people - that whenever things go wrong, it
must be because of me.
"You are so lucky to be able to enjoy such blue sky today. You do not deserve it."
I sipped my tea, immersed in my thoughts.
Who am I to experience the beauty of life through its ups and downs? What have I ever done in the past to get me to this position, while other souls rot in an everlasting frame? I felt guilty. Guilty to be happy, guilty to laugh, guilty to say that 'life is beautiful'.
Self - Loathe: a condition where someone strongly detests him/herself. I didn't know about this till I realized this never lasting hatred towards myself and started to look for more information about it.
Late night, as I lied on my bed, ready to rest, I imagine things. It is a habit for me to imagine the lives of my loved ones without me. It's beautiful. Their lives would be so much better without me.
Dad. If I weren't here, after mom passed away, he would look for a new companion instead of raising me all by himself. He would have a new family and lived happily ever after.
Little sister. She wouldn't feel so pressured if I weren't here. She would have all the love and attention. I am sorry, lil sis. Sorry for showing no feelings to you. Sorry for saying bad things about you behind your back. Sorry for stealing your parent's attention. Sorry for not telling you that I love you and you are perfect the way you are.
Lizzy. Worst case scenario, you would move out of this town. You will live together with your brother and be happy there.
If their lives would be so much better without me? What am I doing down here in the world? My presence felt like a sin.
I can not remember since when I have detested myself, loathed myself for living. Is it something that runs in the blood? Maybe. I felt guilty easily since I was a little kid, yet I hated that feeling. Whenever I felt guilty, I will punish myself in a way - physically or mentally.
Why do I keep on hating myself? Because it is so much easier to put the blame on me rather than others. I was always taught not to expect anything from people - that whenever things go wrong, it
must be because of me.
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