23 Wishes for My Dad
To Dad,
Who recently turned 65 years old.
As a person who has been living with you for almost 23 years old,
as your only child and daughter who has never been good with words,
I have 23 wishes I secretly pray for you everyday.
Wish 1
I wished that you didn't have to had me in the first place. So that you and mom can live happily ever after, no burden.
Wish 2
- or, if fate stays the same - when mom passed away, I wished you didn't have me. So that you would move on, find a new family and live happily ever after. So that you wouldn't have to work so hard and take care of me.
Wish 3
Yet, I am still here. I wish that I didn't have to be such a forgetful kid. Forgetting that you have other chores than taking care of me.
Wish 4
Also, I wish I didn't have to be such a cry baby.
Wish 5
I wish that you didn't care I cried all the time, waiting for you to come home from work. Because, if you didn't care - you wouldn't quit and start your own business.
Wish 6
I wish that you found another spark in your life before starting that business. So that you can fall in love once again, and would not overwork yourself.
Wish 7
I wish that I didn't have to worry you by pretending to be sick so many times, I was just having a hard time at school. Everything was so new and hard.
Wish 8
I wish that you listened to me - when I said I can learn by myself, take care of myself. So that you can have a little time for yourself, say - find another love? Yet, work was what you choose.
Wish 9
I wish that you knew, gifts or money was never my thing. I never liked them. It reminded me even more of how lonely I am.
Wish 10
I wish that you could have been more honest with me. When you didn't want me to leave, but you never said so.
Wish 11
Because, that worked once. Yet, as a free-spirited soul - I can't hold myself any longer in this cage. I wish that when I was gone abroad, you didn't immerse yourself into even more work. Yet, you did.
Wish 12
I wish that you can be free of what we call the 'hell loop'. Overworking yourself to earn money - but at the end spending that money to be healthy. However, years before - I've had premonitions this was not the case. You worried me in my sleeps, dad. There were voices reminding me of you. I've dreamed the death of people and it turned real. I could not ignore these 'voices' inside my head.
Wish 13
I wish that you can realize, I am good on my own. You can give me nothing and I can survive by myself afterwards. It doesn't always have to start from you. Please, stop putting the burden on your back.
Wish 14
I wish that you called more often. Or, at least when I call - tell me more stories, please? Why does it always have to be me who is trying?
Wish 15
I wish that you've been more truthful with me. When I realized something was not right with your eyes, you lied instead.
Wish 16
I wish that you didn't have to pretend you can handle everything, because you don't. you can't. Nobody can.
Wish 17
I wish that you didn't come all the way to my graduation. It must be tiring.
Wish 18
I wish that you could have let me go. However, those voices made me choose to be with you for a while.
Wish 19
'A while' in my plan was 1 - 2 years - until I can be sure those 'voices' was not real. I wish those 'voices' was not real, but turns out they are.
Wish 20
I wish that when I was back home, you could at least give me a little space
Wish 21
I wish that you could let me feel more at 'home'. But, all I feel is crashing at someone's place. The same time, you felt like you have another responsibility.
Wish 22
I wish that you didn't have to worry about me. I was already 22 years old and lived abroad by myself. Yet, a week of (solo) business trip worries you? It feels like you had nothing to worry about that you choose to worry about me.
Wish 23
Again, I wish that I've listened to the 'voices' and 'signs' that were there.
I was working in a pharmacy company, oncology department - and I didn't realize you have a high probability of having cancer and should get a proper medical check up. /I chose to deny the reality./
I didn't even bother checking your latest medical check up - 'It's all good' was enough to confirm my worries back then. /I should have known you better,/ as a person who was let down by the medical world, you would never trust yourself with them.
I decided to rent a room for a while due to traffic conditions - /yet it shouldn't distract me from you./ It had to be your colleague who 'dragged' you to the hospital. However, what good would I be? You didn't listen to any of my medical recommendations. All I can do was worrying, from that voice that told me 'your time would come soon'. What kind of time did it meant? even I don't know until now.
Now, the selfish and free-spirited soul inside me is wounded. I feel trapped and my mind deteriorates slowly... I don't know until how long I can stay sane.
Who recently turned 65 years old.
As a person who has been living with you for almost 23 years old,
as your only child and daughter who has never been good with words,
I have 23 wishes I secretly pray for you everyday.
Wish 1
I wished that you didn't have to had me in the first place. So that you and mom can live happily ever after, no burden.
Wish 2
- or, if fate stays the same - when mom passed away, I wished you didn't have me. So that you would move on, find a new family and live happily ever after. So that you wouldn't have to work so hard and take care of me.
Wish 3
Yet, I am still here. I wish that I didn't have to be such a forgetful kid. Forgetting that you have other chores than taking care of me.
Wish 4
Also, I wish I didn't have to be such a cry baby.
Wish 5
I wish that you didn't care I cried all the time, waiting for you to come home from work. Because, if you didn't care - you wouldn't quit and start your own business.
Wish 6
I wish that you found another spark in your life before starting that business. So that you can fall in love once again, and would not overwork yourself.
Wish 7
I wish that I didn't have to worry you by pretending to be sick so many times, I was just having a hard time at school. Everything was so new and hard.
Wish 8
I wish that you listened to me - when I said I can learn by myself, take care of myself. So that you can have a little time for yourself, say - find another love? Yet, work was what you choose.
Wish 9
I wish that you knew, gifts or money was never my thing. I never liked them. It reminded me even more of how lonely I am.
Wish 10
I wish that you could have been more honest with me. When you didn't want me to leave, but you never said so.
Wish 11
Because, that worked once. Yet, as a free-spirited soul - I can't hold myself any longer in this cage. I wish that when I was gone abroad, you didn't immerse yourself into even more work. Yet, you did.
Wish 12
I wish that you can be free of what we call the 'hell loop'. Overworking yourself to earn money - but at the end spending that money to be healthy. However, years before - I've had premonitions this was not the case. You worried me in my sleeps, dad. There were voices reminding me of you. I've dreamed the death of people and it turned real. I could not ignore these 'voices' inside my head.
Wish 13
I wish that you can realize, I am good on my own. You can give me nothing and I can survive by myself afterwards. It doesn't always have to start from you. Please, stop putting the burden on your back.
Wish 14
I wish that you called more often. Or, at least when I call - tell me more stories, please? Why does it always have to be me who is trying?
Wish 15
I wish that you've been more truthful with me. When I realized something was not right with your eyes, you lied instead.
Wish 16
I wish that you didn't have to pretend you can handle everything, because you don't. you can't. Nobody can.
Wish 17
I wish that you didn't come all the way to my graduation. It must be tiring.
Wish 18
I wish that you could have let me go. However, those voices made me choose to be with you for a while.
Wish 19
'A while' in my plan was 1 - 2 years - until I can be sure those 'voices' was not real. I wish those 'voices' was not real, but turns out they are.
Wish 20
I wish that when I was back home, you could at least give me a little space
Wish 21
I wish that you could let me feel more at 'home'. But, all I feel is crashing at someone's place. The same time, you felt like you have another responsibility.
Wish 22
I wish that you didn't have to worry about me. I was already 22 years old and lived abroad by myself. Yet, a week of (solo) business trip worries you? It feels like you had nothing to worry about that you choose to worry about me.
Wish 23
Again, I wish that I've listened to the 'voices' and 'signs' that were there.
I was working in a pharmacy company, oncology department - and I didn't realize you have a high probability of having cancer and should get a proper medical check up. /I chose to deny the reality./
I didn't even bother checking your latest medical check up - 'It's all good' was enough to confirm my worries back then. /I should have known you better,/ as a person who was let down by the medical world, you would never trust yourself with them.
I decided to rent a room for a while due to traffic conditions - /yet it shouldn't distract me from you./ It had to be your colleague who 'dragged' you to the hospital. However, what good would I be? You didn't listen to any of my medical recommendations. All I can do was worrying, from that voice that told me 'your time would come soon'. What kind of time did it meant? even I don't know until now.
Now, the selfish and free-spirited soul inside me is wounded. I feel trapped and my mind deteriorates slowly... I don't know until how long I can stay sane.
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