Unfilled

They never say that you gotta grow up, quite this soon.

How fast things change.

I know that time will have its way.

It feels like a race.

A never ending  race towards uncertainty, trying to reach a goal that keeps on getting farther.

I will never be enough, I will forever be unfilled.

I remember when we were kids, they said ‘Chase your dreams, the sky is the limit’.

It excites me, wondering what future awaits for me - will I be a stewardess? Or an astronaut roaming between the stars? Well, it can be anything, right? 

Yet, here am I laying down.

Wondering how do I survive this very second - the sky is the limit, but I tend to forget that every sky has thunders, rains that we have to dance through. 

It can be painful, but you can’t stop the rain, right?

Some things are beyond control and you have no right to interfere with it.
Timing plays a great role, so painfully great that it may break you apart.

For now, there will never be enough.

There will only be yourself, knowing that you do what is right,

and you stood by it. You go through the choices you made.

It doesn’t matter whether it is right or not.

11.15 pm

I couldn't sleep, I was worried.
I could hear my father's breath, at least I can still hear that.

Where did I make the mistake?
Was it wrong for me to look for a second opinion? Or for thinking that all is good for now, and relaxed for a moment? Should I have looked for a third opinion?

My head hurts.
I felt guilty,
I felt like I failed him as his only daughter, not knowing what is best for him.
That my actions is the one that led to this disease progression.

"Where did you find this doctor?"

"Why is your father getting weaker?"

"How could you leave him for a two weeks trip?"

People's questions didn't help either. Making me even feel guiltier.
I decided to look for a second opinion because I didn't have the heart to force my father getting chemotherapy. He was scared even just hearing that word, thinking he would die as soon as he took it and better left without any medicine. I did not want that.

I knew this doctor from my connections back when I was in pharmaceutical industry, by joining lung cancer patients forum and I did some research, but I guess it's not good enough - I'm sorry. I never knew it will turn out like this as well, the reports - blood tests, CT scans were all great without any progression. So I relaxed for a bit, I started thinking too much for myself. I was awfully mad as well when I heard that his results were showing progression already, but I was ignorant - choosing to trust whatever the doctor said without criticism.

I forgot that you hide your pain, you have always thought that you had to be the one carrying the burden, and kept the pain away from us.

I have always hated these nights in the hospital. The night is long, time is stretched, leaving you with so much time to think, so much time to hate yourself - yet with no time to do other useful things.
I hope I have the strength and patience to go through this again.

At times like this, I felt lucky to have people supporting me the best they could.
Thank you, for those of you who lend your ears, giving your time to listen to me,
to sit next by me and fight with me, or even send me food.