A Wandering Soul: Home

I have always dreamed to travel, to roam the world freely. to see the world and conquer it

People have always talked about the beauty of traveling but they don't say the one thing you will always miss as you walk: home.

You might say that I am living the dream. I am studying abroad in Europe, having the chance to travel whenever I felt like to and meet different kinds of people with diverse culture and background. Yes, it has been amazing so far yet it is also the first time I left my home and to be honest, I miss it a lot. Behind a beautiful story, there is always an ugly truth. Just like how people frame things to look pretty. As you live abroad, you will realize that you have to give up upon some things, especially this place called 'home' among a gazillion other things.

Not being able to come home whenever you want to. Your home will look even more beautiful once you have left it, trust me, and it hurts even more knowing that you can't go home whenever you want to. You can't go home for a dinner when you are feeling lazy to cook, or ask your parents to do your huge pile of laundry, especially for me who is so far away from home.  

The chance of being 'homeless'. As you walk away from your 'home', you don't know whether you will find a new home as good as this one or not, which can be true. There will be times you felt like a homeless, not belonging anywhere and lonely. There will also be times that your family and friends seemed so far away that you want to fly and go back home. As a result, you will really appreciate small moments with your family and friends the next time you are together. The good thing is, being far away from home makes you love more as you learn to let go. Especially since people will come and leave even more often when you live abroad, making you cherish every moment you can laugh and be more thankful than ever.

In other words, to travel and see new things, you have to leave some things too. At the end, the things that you will have depends on what you decided to hold on to, accepted and sacrificed. However, one will always need to travel to grow.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." - Neale Donald Walsch

A little story of mine beneath those pretty pictures.

Postcards from all over the world are tangling above my bed in my room. As I looked at them, I remembered all of the journeys behind every postcard. All of them are amazing, with different stories and people. However, there is actually one picture that I would like to have too, one selfish wish that can never be granted: I want a picture of my family which includes mom, dad, and my little sister. Yet, in reality, they do not exist. Therefore, I have these postcards instead to fill up my emptiness that will never be filled and just walk on, wandering to places to search for a remedy.

People have always said that I am such a 'happy, go lucky!' person. Despite that, I have a never ending anxiety. A 'happy, go lucky!' figure is actually somebody I wanted to be and somebody I want people to think of me. Unfortunately, it is not true and I am always haunted by a peculiar feeling. I constantly felt something bad was going to happen all the time. It makes me afraid. It all began when I heard that my grand uncle died and I happened to be restless and worrisome that week. The news devastated me. He was fine and healthy a few months ago when I met him but now he is gone. I felt guilty as well as I sometimes choose to hang out with my friends rather than with him. My next thought was: what if this happens to my father? The next thing I knew, I had fallen into this endless pit of fear. I was scared all the time. I was afraid. Afraid that a 14-hour flight will not make it, bringing me to despair and regret instead of home, where I can see his smile. I want to be on his side during his last moments. There is so many things I wish to do to repay his kindness. Due to this anxiety, I was stressed. I went to university and pretended that everythings if fine and tried to have fun when I was with my friends, but when I was in my room alone I cried. I cried because I was scared of losing another person that I love. I might look calm outside but inside, I am not more than a wounded soul. This happened for several months until I decided to snap out of it and ignore that feeling of uneasiness.