Hollow Nests

This is it.

Is it?

The past few years have been a new record for me. I have never moved so much in my life, to five different houses, in just three years. As someone who has always wanted to move when I was a little girl - it might sound like a dream. But it isn't. The truth is I've simply lost my home, and I kept on going to search for it, and haven't found it yet.

Let this post be a reminder of every feeling and moment I had when moving in, to a new place, outside of my comfort zone. Every place and every home was always different - it was always at a different phase of my life. One thing is for sure, it was always lonely. Am I meant to be lonely for the rest of my life? Now that I'm a fully grown adult - loneliness has always been my number one shadowing friend, lurking and wrapping around me. Making me feel helpless.

St Moritz, 2019.

The home that teaches me of letting go, allowed me to feel hopeful for a moment, and to learn how important it is to manage my expectation (and budgeting) - yet at the end is the start of an empty nest beneath my heart. It is the nest, where dust is collected, and tears never stopped. 

My father was sick at that time. Due to several reasons, we have decided to move to an apartment. I remembered the long search and many viewings, looking for the perfect new home. 'This is it.' 

We thought when seeing the place. Moving here was a new hope for me, for my father to be precise. A new hope that he can be healthier, and we can care and watch for him better.

Yet how many months only was it?

I can't even remember and I don't want to count. Less than 5 months I think? 

So much hope for such little time.

So much of me hoping at external circumstances rather than myself. Why did I do that?

I can still fill the dagger, the dagger that pierced into me and could never leave me.

I never knew that guilt, out of all. Feels this painful and sharp. 

It is now embedded into me, with flesh growing outside of it, something that I have to live with forever.

There it is, this new home results in me walking out there forever with a dagger embedded.

Olivia, 2019.

Just like that, I could only survive for a few months before plunging into an endless pit of grief, waving a white flag, hoping for someone to catch me through it.

And my aunt did.

To this day, I am thankful for what she did, for she saved me from further depression and loneliness.

The loneliness that I never thought would experience. Where I had to embrace, that I'm alone, on my own two feet, fighting just for my will to take another breath in this life.

A blank space.

That was when it started. I truly, just can't remember where I keep my stuff anymore. 

I couldn't find important documents, I lost my driving license, and I don't know where my winter clothes are. 

Just like I couldn't find my dream anymore. I just wanted to get through the day, and here, in someone else's nest that I abruptly enter - I tried to look for other doors, to feel alive again. Rays of light from other people's windows seemed so bright, that I decided to leave again.

Barcelona, 2020.

A fresh start. This is it. This is what I wanted, a temporary place where I can be alone, be myself, to worry only about my groceries, what should I grab for lunch, it was such a relief to be able to come here.

Upon moving to this city, I have zero expectations on making friends.

"I just wanted to be myself again", I thought.

But the love, the comfort, and family I found here was amazing.

I never thought I can be that close with my friends from my masters program.

For the first time in so many years... I felt inspired, I felt connected.

Yet, my brain can't lie.

"That is tiring. Let's not do that."

So I slowly crawled out of my cave. Simply enjoying the rays of light.

But I didn't run, I didn't want to go for the light.

It is beautiful yet hurting at the same time. So I just wanted to enjoy it.

For sure, I'm thankful for the SELECT family and manusia sisa squad <3.

Coming to Barcelona also opened my eyes.

It made me know what I like, and enjoy in life, and what I don't enjoy.

Eindhoven, 2021.

Why is it not as beautiful as I remembered it to be?

Many days are lonely, most days are simply bleak.

It's what it feels like to be 'living' only. Simply breathing, dragging through time, awaiting for something good to happen.

It reminded me how the grass will always be greener on the other side.

And what I actually wanted is not what my friends had.

It is a journey that I have to go through myself first.

To cherish what I've lost, have, and wanted to aim for.

Singapore, 2022.

It's time to be back into the professional world. 

But uffh I must say I'm tired!

Of moving to a new place!

The visa, bank account, finding a place, buying new bed sheets - oh, all the visits to IKEA!

However, this is the place where I slowly found myself.

Experiencing the loneliness, heart breaks, disappointments, yet at the same time

having new experiences, friends, feeling comfortable in my own shell.

So let's sit down, enjoy the moment for a while.