Changes

I have changed.

But it is so hard, so hard to accept that.

I wanted to be that same person who bakes in her spare time, rather than just laying in bed feeling lonely.

I wished I have goals, targets, but now I just want to make it through.

I would like to feel at home here, but it no longer felt warm, I feel so far from home instead.

 

Early 2020, I still remembered how excited I was to see my masters' acceptance and scholarship letter.

I wanted to escape my life so bad, and the moment I see that e-mail, I begin to reminisce the good old memories. When I don't have to bear such responsibilities, I can travel freely, I have companions - really good ones along my journey.

I can't wait to experience all of that again.

But as someone who is afraid to expect anything - and frankly, my first year of bachelors wasn't that great (I was only close with a group of people). I set my expectations to zero.

I just wanted to escape, that's all. It could be worse, it could be better, but I just wanted to take that chance.

Even if it is worse, it's nothing personal against how I feel towards my father. How I will be disappointing him and myself if I stayed.

Little did I know, it is impossible to not expect anything.

A little part of me expected to have the same experience again.

Yet I only remember the best, and worst memories of my experience studying abroad.

Here I am, longing on the best memories, and forgetting that I don't experience those worst memories anymore.

I wrote this, just wanting to tell myself.

Yes, you can still grow.

But no, you can't go back.