The Story of How I Forgive Myself

 I rarely dreamt of my father.

But when I do, he barely talked to me, as if he wanted to let me know that he is fine - and I should start forgiving myself, move on, and start dreaming again.

The first dream was meeting him on the airport with my friends. He looked happier, healthier, in a green suit. 

Second, he was paler though, older just like when he was sick. He was sitting outside my room, he was falling asleep while reading his book. But as he saw me waking up, he said sorry and went away.

Third, I was crying in the elevator with him, he looked worried, I was asking for his permission to sell his company. Well, he said nothing, but I can feel him telling me to keep a bit of the share first.

However, it made me realized. All of these dreams, he never tell me to do something. Why? Because I am on my own now, and I have to accept that.

I was jailed, by my own expectations, hearing other people and doing what they thought was best (not even for me) - instead of choosing my happiness. I don't have to be more than my father.

That jail, to be frank, has an exit door that has always been opened. I finally saw that. I saw the light, I saw how I can be happier. I can choose to live peacefully, focus on my health, to the people close to me. 

As I pray, for my father's peace - I hear someone tell me, then you have to be happy. That's what he want. Go out of that jail you built yourself.